So while I was listening to music last night I wrote a long mopey thing that I thought of as my next blog post, but wisely left until the morning in case I decided it was too mopey (and hormonally inspired) for the eyes of others. I've decided to post it anyway. Don't think I'm depressed.
***
I was listening to music. Joyful music, the Cocteau Twins, music that has always been associated somehow with my brightest dreams for the future. So I listened, and the visions filled my head, and I felt buoyant... until a dismal revelation crept up on me, and I realized "the future" is already here, and I'm so terribly off track.
The visions. Oh they're not so literally visual, like a screenplay in my head, but they're flashing images - colors - emotions - little scraps of knowledge. I think I'm with someone, someone I love. I think I wanted to fall wildly in love. Look at my love life now, it's in chains. The best of my love waiting for someone who may or may not ever come around, and the scraps of feeling for the person I was with before just reminding me, just barely tempting me to go back and get one more hug from someone who really shouldn't take me back, although he would, but I won't, because I'm not that dumb and I've been through the damn cycle too many times. And there's bright colors, sunlight, flowers, rivers, tall grasses, it's summer... an Alaskan summer, I'm almost sure. God, all this time I think I just wanted to be a copy of my mom.
But I'm not. I never will be. I never could be.
There's a Portland moment too, one that actually happened, one that happened to me. I was in the bedroom, the one that's part of the kitchen now, and this must have been before the addition because a sunbeam is coming through the window that goes into my sister's room now, and little dust particles floating in it. They look like magic - they look like gold. I was alone in there, I think I can even remember a dark blue sheet, or maybe that was the paint, but that was the color in the room. Yeah, there are Portland dreams too. Some house where we went to a party once, who knows who it belonged to, but it was the perfect Portland house, with a backyard and grapevines or whatever kind of vines and I think an arbor somewhere. Maybe a porch swing too, or maybe that's just me making things up. If I had some David Garza right now it'd be the perfect color, a translucent yellow-green that screams warm summer evening with friends and drinks. I can imagine the upstairs, I don't know if I've even been in a house that looks like this, but I just know there would be teenagery bedrooms all dark with oh I don't know, Nirvana posters, but one window lets in light, gently rather than directly. More dark blue, fresh air, a casual attitude toward cleaning and a place that just kind of absorbs it. Roommates who don't care, roommates who are just laid-back carefree laughing Portland twentysomethings. How am I ever going to be one of those laughing Portland twentysomethings?
I want my kitchen to look like the kitchen of friend of mine from New Day School. My parents say we called her Purple Sara but I just remember she was the Sara without an H at the end.
None of it involves science. None of it involves college or even a whiff of the erudite. Then again, none of it involves a job of any kind and those are rather necessary. God, I've been into science for so long, I get so absorbed in it, but what if it's just the /wrong direction/? None of it sure as HELL involves sitting around a house with only two windows that open, never so much as getting dressed some days except for my run, with all my friends busier than I am and putting all my energy into loving my body, as if that could be fulfilling. Yeah yeah, a body out of whack will screw up everything else, and it's great that I'm getting some exercise now, and I'm sure it's good that I decided to stop giving a shit about my weight. But really, I am so conscientiously listening to this body because I have nothing better to do, and it is NOT ENOUGH.
I want somebody else to love my body too. I want to love their body in return. And their soul, their mind, their love for me. In the middle of a dust-mote-ridden sunbeam pouring through the open window at nine in the morning, or eight, some quiet hour before our friends have awoken on a weekend, before the clock commands anyone with sense to get out and do things - but there we are, already arisen, because life is better than sleep, better to open our eyes, enjoy each other and enjoy being alive.
Nature. Love. A reason to get up in the morning. There's really no reason for me to get up lately except the fact that I wake up. No wonder I sleep until 9:30, 10, 11. I'm sure a lot of this is just due to my unusually dramatic hormone shift this month (my headache is coming back too). Also, I'll meet new people and get really busy at Reed. But boy do I feel like I'm sitting in the middle of giant mess on the opposite side of the planet from what I dreamed of as a kid. Yet every single thing I imagined belongs in this very time zone. How can I break through this invisible barrier? Did I just come twenty years late, or forty? Would I have just had different, irreplaceable dreams then? Oh I don't know, I don't know.
***
A few after-the-fact notes:
* My love life in chains does not in any way imply that I'm closed off to love. I'd be incredibly happy to meet a nice Reedie boy and fall for him. Just that it's a little hard to believe, right now, that I could let myself go fully and fall into that stuff of my dreams. I want to, but it's just a little hard to believe in right now.
* The co-op where one of my friends at UO lived was very very close to my Nirvana-postered Portland house. They still exist.
* I love my mom. She's the best. And I'll always remember that she thinks it's funny and interesting when I talk about chemistry.
* Yeah, all my friends are busier than me and I'm bored. Lost Rocket is in New York right now I think; I forget for how long. Senor Evergreen is leaving to go on a road trip across the country and won't be back until the end of August. My other friend (he'll get a blog name soon) is going on the second half of that road trip so I've still got a few weeks with him but like Dancing Physicist he doesn't have a cell phone so he's a little hard to get ahold of. Dancing Physicist himself is in Eugene and Fidelity has been out of town a lot so I still haven't seen her yet. Bother. Knee-Man lives close to me, but he doesn't always answer his phone and well, what do we have in common anyway? I imagine he'd be game for a bike ride sometime though... and there's a couple other people I know from MLC, but it's always hard to establish a new friendship with someone you haven't seen in a while. They've already got their own stuff going on. Gosh I need to go to Reed and find people who like to do the same things as me.
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